Horse Funnies

 

25 Typos from Horse Magazines*
  • 25. For sale: two fillies and a dolt..
  • 24. Barn has fifteen large stalls with private padlocks
  • 23. Ladies' size seven boost for sale, good condition
  • 22. Used dressage waddle wide tree.
  • 21. 99 Holsteiner colt, 16.2 hands and growing, will be barge!
  • 20. Registered Appasalsa gelding
  • 19. ...lateral movement called the half-ass.
  • 18. Bright gay gelding--with lots of personality.
  • 17. Foals and beanlings for sale.
  • 16. Smell pony for sale, many championships.
  • 15. Year-end high score sinner in top competitions.
  • 14. Bred to win at shows, or just be your best fiend.
  • 13. Gelding for sale, four years odd.
  • 12. Position Wanted: Hunter trainer will come to your farm and drain your horses.
  • 11. Working on frying changes...
  • 10. Wanted: good horse show gloom. Must be willing to travel, care for four horses.
  • 9. Equitortion lessons available.
  • 8. For sale: two handsome young stallions, both approved for feeding by German Verband.
  • 7. Top event prespects. [Is that a horse that's too young to be a prospect?]
  • 6. Sport Horse Dispersal Suction - 30 horses, call for auction catalog.
  • 5. Spacious, modern horse arm available for lease or purchase.
  • 4. Two-year-old filly for sale, has been addled and ridden.
  • 3. Registered Pains for sale, lots with splashy color!
  • 2. Does your riding rink need better footing? Call...
  • 1. Welch ponies for sale. [Are they the grape-flavored ones?]

    • TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN

  • 10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
  • 9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
  • 8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
  • 7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
  • 6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
  • 5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
  • 4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
  • 3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
  • 2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
  • 1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money
    •

    HOW MANY RIDERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

  • ENDURANCE RIDER: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse/ respiration / hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb. Um, any chance that the light bulb could assist me in icing some legs?
  • DRESSAGE QUEEN: Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought!
  • CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing.
  • EVENTER: Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling, broken after falling off at that large stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross-country I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway.
  • SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded.
  • NATURAL HORSEMAN: You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available at $99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will = find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should.
  • HUNTER RIDER: Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing lightbulbs somewhere else right now.
  • REAL COWBOY: Well shur 'nuff ma'am. There, all dun.
  • SIDESADDLE RIDER: Well, one things for certain.... if they can do it, I can do it, and with both legs on the same side of the step ladder..... stand back and watch me! But first I have to find my top hat and veil, cut the crusts off the sandwich and pack it in a linen napkin, fold my rain gloves with the thumbs together and place them under the billets, have my saddle restuffed and make an apron...............
  • FOXHUNTER: If you laid out all your kit the night before the hunt, you wouldn't need to worry about the light bulb--you'd be on your way.

    • The Horse Dictionary
  • Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
  • Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
  • Bucking: Counterirritant.
  • Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
  • Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
  • Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
  • Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
  • Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
  • Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
  • Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
  • Latch: Type of puzzle.
  • Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
  • Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
  • Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
  • Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
  • Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
  • Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

    Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

    There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said, "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win.

    What do you think of that?" asked the dog.

    The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"